Government approved anti-terrorist techniques...

Published on Tuesday, December 26, 2006 at 12am

If you have set yourself on fire, do not
run

If you
spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell
really loud.

If you
spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder

If
you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of
seeing a doctor.

Use your
flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!

The
proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least
one(1) armless hand.

Michael
Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes,
run the fuck away.

Hurricanes, animal corpses and the biohazard
symbol have a lot in common. Think about it.

Be
on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub
their hands together manically.

If a door is closed, karate chop it
open.

If your building collapses, give yourself a
blowjob while waiting to be rescued.

Try to absorb as much of the
radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds,
however, you may become sterile

After exposure to radiation it is important to
consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your
head.

If you've become a radiation mutant with a
deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that
shit.

--
If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower
in the corner or run like hell.

If
your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they
stop.

If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve
oxygen by not farting.

If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack,
do not stop to look for it.

Do not drive a stations wagon if a power pole is protruding
from the hood.

-- A
one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against
radiation.